Critical Decisions

I suppose every writer faces the dilemma of criticism. Sure, some suggestions are instantly convincing or exactly what you thought you’d hear. But others create a quandary, like a two edged sword. Should you accept the criticism, make changes in your work or your style, or stick with your own judgment, the one you started with? Either way, you could be wrong, and it may take years before you know the answer. In some cases, there may be highlights in an author’s ambition level, or sense of destination, that make the decision particularly challenging.

For instance, in my own case, I wanted to write a love story not only good enough to be published, but better than that. I was intent on producing a truly great love story. To achieve that, I felt I needed to risk developing a writing style just right for the literary task, but one that would have to be different from what is currently in fashion. For this story to succeed, my style would need to give the readers a deeper look into what the main characters were feeling. That made the writing challenge doubly difficult in the path to getting published. The writing would have to be that much better such that it would still shine and impress when the editor noticed it as different–different but exactly right for this kind of story.

At one point in my writing journey, when I decided to send my manuscript to an independent editor, I knew that I had a number of improvement needs, including one to upgrade my writing mechanics. The problem was that my editor interpreted my style, the one I felt I needed to eventually write a great love story, as simply poor writing that needed to be changed. And she was not the least bit delicate about her criticism. In fact, she viewed my style with scorn and demanded I change it if I ever hoped to be published. She is an editor of some renown, forceful and intimidating, and I mean to tell you that I felt heavy pressure to conform to her will.

It was a painful decision to stick with the style I felt the story needed if it was ever to be good enough. My confidence in the decision was low enough to mark the nadir of my writing journey. And the echo of this experience persisted as a doubt that was hard to shake. Not until after publication, when consecutive readers told me they loved the story and couldn’t put it down, did I feel complete vindication, like being released from jail.

In looking back, the hardest aspect was resisting the urge to accept the criticism as a more likely path to simply getting published on minimum terms. Nothing wrong with that, right? Yet the outcome in terms of reader experience would have been so much less. So when you face that lonely decision about what criticisms to accept, it pays to be crystal clear about your true literary objectives, the destination that is driving you onward. Will the decision position you for a shot at the best you can be? Or will you be left wondering ever after about the high road not taken?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
R (Rob) Costelloe
Coinage of Commitment was published in June of 2007. In a departure from conventional novels of this genre, this love story describes characters who love at a higher level than the world all around them, a level requiring mental preparation as well as emotional commitment. The lovers face unique challenges in reaching the zenith they seek, and the story examines some of the challenges and pitfalls they face on their journey. The manuscript received multiple contract offers for publication, and Saga Books published it on a fast track basis in less than three months. To learn more, visit Rob’s website at rCostelloe.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Something to Be Grateful for (Parts I & II)

Something to Be Grateful for (Part I)

I’ve always been fascinated that certain romantic relationships get discounted due to qualities thought contaminating. Marrying for money probably tops the list and, from a qualitative standpoint, is probably as justified as the censure is severe. For people who do it always pretend that love is the true reason even when their actions say otherwise. But gratitude is another attribute often hurled as an accusation invalidating the integrity of various relationships. “She only married him out of gratitude,” is heard on many soap operas as a signal that the romance is facing certain doom in future episodes. Not only that, but the assumed error of judgment is so grave that the impending doom is implied as being well deserved.

But does gratitude really deserve such a bad rap? I think we need to take another look, because gratitude as an emotion rarely stands alone. Usually it floats visibly atop complex outcomes fueling a more complex web of feelings. Unless we dive beneath the shiny surface of gratitude’s exterior shell, we won’t know what the emotion is based on–what other fish it’s swimming with–and our analysis risks being superficial.

So if we stand back and take a look, what do we see? Well, the thing that pops out at me is that gratitude is a common emotion, experienced often by people who have good things (like love) happen to them. In fact, gratitude is experienced so often in our culture, and in so many ways, and to so many different degrees, that we should turn the question around and ask how any successful relationship could possibly function without it? Can you show me a successful relationship where the lovers are not grateful to each other, and in manifold ways? Doesn’t it all depend on what’s behind gratitude’s visible facade? If your lover takes care of many little things that matter for you, isn’t that something to be grateful for? And isn’t that gratitude bound to feed the relationship in a way that will make it richer, deeper, and better? I see mainly good things coming out of a relationship that’s laced with gratitude. In fact, the more the better. Show me a relationship that’s healthy and vibrant, and I’ll show you lovers who are grateful to have each other. And do you think that is likely to change over time? What role is gratitude likely to play as intimate couples mature? That will be the subject of part II of this article.

Something to Be Grateful for (Part II)

In part I, we explored gratitude in romantic relationships and found that, despite its bad reputation in many story lines, gratitude is actually a universal and indispensable attribute of any successful relationship. In this piece, I want to discuss the special role that gratitude can play in older relationships. Let me give you my premise here, right up front, and it is that gratitude can be used by older couples as a kind of barometer of their ongoing success-or lack thereof. Why is this important, or even useful? One reason is that relationships change as they age, and many couples seem to lose track of where they are as lovers. We’ve all seen this. The physical attributes that attract lovers in their youth tend to tarnish as the decades progress. The web of attractions between the lovers, if successful, will a assume a bouquet of more subtle qualities, and then there’s this rising inventory of shared experiences that gains importance. Throughout all that change, gratitude can be used as one barometer of ongoing success. For if you feel grateful to have your spouse of twenty or thirty years, then that is surely telling you something about the level of your success. Likewise, the absence of grateful feelings provides important information that can be vital.  Just asking questions about why the feeling is missing can be an important starting point in damage repair and remediation.

And there’s something else, something subtle that many older couples experience. As the physical attributes fade, and the collection of shared experiences swells larger and larger, the sheer mass of those experiences can tip the axis of a relationship-like the gravity of some massive celestial object, attracting in progressively stronger ways. If your memory of those experiences is good, and if your spouse is a big part of the reason, and if that runs as a common thread through scores of memories, then I’d say that is simply gratitude as a symptom of love that has truly stood the test of time. It’s a message that most of us would be happy to receive. And I suspect most couples would find it worth investing in the relationship-maintenance and repair through the years-in order to receive it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
R (Rob) Costelloe
Coinage of Commitment was published in June of 2007. In a departure from conventional novels of this genre, this love story describes characters who love at a higher level than the world all around them, a level requiring mental preparation as well as emotional commitment. The lovers face unique challenges in reaching the zenith they seek, and the story examines some of the challenges and pitfalls they face on their journey. The manuscript received multiple contract offers for publication, and Saga Books published it on a fast track basis in less than three months. To learn more, visit Rob’s website at rCostelloe.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

 

Try Punctuating Gestures for Improving Romantic Relationships

There are many kinds of love and romantic love is different from the others. Parental love tends to be more constant and to exert an almost involuntary pull on our emotions, a compelling and ionizing draw toward commitment and sacrifice. In contrast, romantic love goes through stages, starting with attraction, going to a decision-making or elective phase, followed by a stage in which emotions are strengthening, but still conditional, followed by passionate commitment, distinguished by joy in deep emotional union and, usually at this point, a hunger for lifetime commitment. This is typically the high point, and most couples have a hard time keeping the emotional intensity from dissipating over time. Complementing the way romantic love tends to evolve and change is its tendency to be volatile–much more so than, say, maternal love. For while maternal love can withstand severe bad news about its object, the right kind of adulterous bad tidings can often turn the strongest romantic love into virulent hatred, complete with bloodlust for revenge.

Okay, so this is a lot of information. And stretching it out this way gives it an almost clinical texture. Can we use it for formulating a strategy to strengthen romantic relationships? Maybe. Perhaps by working backwards. The tendency for relationships to run down over time parallels Murphy’s law, which says that things left to themselves tend to deteriorate. The trick then is to not leave things to themselves. Instead we plan for things to go well and then execute the plan with high energy. That’s a good start, but it’s also common knowledge. What about the info on love’s volatility? That reminds us of a property of life that we tend to forget, namely, that living is irreversible. The life once snuffed out cannot be restored. Relationships are delicate and subject to permanent damage by rash acts. Worse yet, we tend to remember and relive the pain in a way that makes it that much harder to forgive. Hold on. Is there a way we can turn this process around and use it to love’s longterm advantage? What if we try that in combination with the planning concept we touched on earlier? Yes, we can, but I’m cheating a bit for putting logic to something that my wife taught me years ago. For want of a better term, I’ll call it a way to revitalize relationships through punctuating gestures. These take creative planning, execution, need to be sprung as surprise events, and they capitalize on our tendency to go on being affected by events that move or impress us, in this case, favorably.

How about a real life example to bring clarity? When my wife and I had been married a few years, we were still living love’s bloom, but struggling to keep it sweet amidst career, cares, and kids. One day I was coming home from work in the rain via carpool. As we turned onto my street, the driver let out an exclamation that silenced the chit chat. There ahead, in the rain at the curb, waited a woman, holding an open umbrella. “Is that your wife?” the driver asked incredulously. I don’t remember answering because the magic of my wife’s gesture was already affecting me. “Why did you do this?” I asked her after we had walked huddled beneath the umbrella’s shelter to our apartment. “Because I love you and I thought of you in the rain, both at the same time.”

Needless to say, this gesture, so spontaneous, so simple in its parts, has never left my memory, and it has never stopped nourishing my marriage, even decades later.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
R (Rob) Costelloe
Coinage of Commitment was published in June of 2007. In a departure from conventional novels of this genre, this love story describes characters who love at a higher level than the world all around them, a level requiring mental preparation as well as emotional commitment. The lovers face unique challenges in reaching the zenith they seek, and the story examines some of the challenges and pitfalls they face on their journey. The manuscript received multiple contract offers for publication, and Saga Books published it on a fast track basis in less than three months. To learn more, visit Rob’s website at rCostelloe.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A Few Dilemmas of the Writing Journey and Authoring as a Risk-Taking Endeavor

Being an unpublished novelist poses all sorts of dilemmas. Writing is entrepreneurial in nature, more than most people realize, and it is fraught with make or break decisions. Which side of the political spectrum do you show yourself? Do you embellish this or that social issue, perhaps the one most fashionable, or do you hide from them all?

If your goal is publication for its own sake, and you’ve decided to write, say, Gothic romance number 214,386, then you do need to follow the Gothic template. But you also need to make it stand out from most of the 214,385 Gothics that came before. The burden to distinguish is higher for unpublished writers because they have no track record to give their work advanced credibility or benefit of the doubt. Yet if the novice distinguishes herself too well, then her originality may be viewed as too risky in itself.

This need to balance risks even extends to things that look simple and straightforward on paper. Take the question of how good your manuscript should be before you query it. The reference books are all unanimous in urging that your manuscript should simply be the best you can make it before submitting it. But it’s not that simple in real life. First off, many amateur writers don’t know how good their writing is relative to their own potential. This is especially true if you are trying to achieve a literary end that’s new or different, say, push a new frontier in poetry, or achieve new levels of fright in horror. In my own case, in writing Coinage of Commitment, I was bent on writing a love story unlike any other, a mainstream tale of love at a higher level. That made this project so different that even the style I adopted needed to be distinctive, a vivid way of expression that leads readers through the characters’ souls to glimpse romantic love at breathtaking heights. That’s not exactly stock stuff, making it risky to submit and hard to know when it was good enough to send out.

Not realizing what I was getting into, I polished the manuscript as best I could, then sent it out. Two months of querying later, when on a whim I sat down to reread it, I was shocked to discover that it was not the greatest love story ever written, something I suddenly discovered was important for me to achieve. Important enough that I pulled the ms off the market and sent it to not one but two independent editors in series. Three rewrites and seven months later, I resumed the query campaign. But by then, I wondered about the stability of my improvement progress. Sure enough, despite best intentions, my writing ability kept jumping ahead of itself. I simply couldn’t keep my hands off the ms for wanting to make it better. That meant that the sample chapters I sent out kept changing. Even after the ms was accepted for publication, I could not quench my hunger for better prose. My publisher, Saga Books, in a fit of artistic benevolence, held the presses for the extra weeks it took me to equilibrate at deciding, finally, that I could not improve a single word.

Yes, I realize that this is an unusual account. But it shows that every publishing journey is bound to be unique. So when you read simple instructions like: submit only your best work, don’t be surprised if the path in execution is more tortuous than you ever dreamed it could be.

Love at a Higher Level: Is it Fantasy or Just Hard to Get to?

Is it possible to achieve a higher romantic love than the resigned complacency we see all around us? If so, can  it be sustained for long? Would many people really want it? Sure, nonfiction literature is replete with books, courses, and seminars on how to achieve romantic or marital bliss. But few of us seem to achieve it, and fewer still ever sustain it. Worse yet is that many people seem disinterested or, worse yet, disheartened.

Far fewer are  works of fiction that explore such higher love as literature for readers to savor and enjoy. Coinage of Commitment was written to explore this rarified territory. It attempts to go where few have dared to tread, testing the limits of what a couple can achieve, the altitude of orbit they might be able to soar to.

Don’t be misled. This is not an easy topic. Life imposes a lot of restraints on reaching the emotional altitude we are discussing. And it cannot be obtained for free. I requires thinking as well as feeling, planning as well as carefree fulfillment. It requires risk taking, and there are payments and sacrifices that have to be made. So would it be worth it? What would you be willing to give to obtain it? What if there was just a chance to obtain it? What then?

How does this particular romantic ambition affect story production?  Well, for one thing, at least in my view, it means that the main characters need to take an intellectual as well as an emotional journey to attain the level they seek. They need this just to get prepared and be capable of what they want to experience emotionally. And this opens up all sorts of literary issues to explore. How do our characters come to want such an exalted level of fulfillment for themselves? What conditions in their lives produce a hunger for it? What do they do to nourish its development? Just how do they find their way? How are they different from their peers?

Deciding to write a novel featuring higher love made the manuscript harder to sell. This is not standard fare; it defines a new category, hence it was viewed with suspicion as a risky project. Many agents dismissed it out of hand and refused to read sample chapters. Others who did, refused to change their mindset, and misunderstood the work. One criticism I got was that the characters didn’t seem quite…typical. Duh? Of course they’re not typical. How could they be? Another criticism was writing style. Coinage has plenty of plot movement, including some exciting heroics, but it features more reflection on the main characters feelings and their emotional evolution and turning points. Agents and editors who criticized this approach as unfashionable had nothing to offer as an alternate to describing characters loving at a higher level. Simply describing plot developments from an action standpoint won’t cut it for a work with this ambition.

In Coinage of Commitment, I portray higher love as something feasible, but difficult to achieve, hence likely to be attained by very few. When Wayne and Nancy achieve it, they feel that they have no one to compare themselves with. I think that is the correct answer for our current culture and societal situation, but there is no data on this that I am aware of, hence it is difficult to rely on anything but your own experience. I heartily welcome reader views on this topic.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
R (Rob) Costelloe
Coinage of Commitment was published in June of 2007. In a departure from conventional novels of this genre, this love story describes characters who love at a higher level than the world all around them, a level requiring mental preparation as well as emotional commitment. The lovers face unique challenges in reaching the zenith they seek, and the story examines some of the challenges and pitfalls they face on their journey. The manuscript received multiple contract offers for publication, and Saga Books published it on a fast track basis in less than three months. To learn more, visit Rob’s website at rCostelloe.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Querying: One Author’s Feedback on Tactical Issues

Querying: One Authors Feedback on Tactical Issues

When I was functioning as that lowest of all life forms, the unpublished author, I benefited  from established novelists willing to share their experiences. This article is intended to give something back, especially since my experience had some unexpected turns.

I quickly learned to prefer sending queries by snail mail. Yes, it is slower, expensive, and more work, but my perception is that paper queries are taken more seriously and less likely to be ignored. They are also harder to destroy than merely pushing a delete key.

Where I struck out on my own relative to what I was reading on the Internet was the volume and velocity of my campaign. I sent out more than 500 queries, each a customized package, in three months. I scrupulously abided by all guidelines listed for each agency or publisher except one. I did not abide by the industry’s requirement of honoring exclusive reading policies of agencies who request it. This is an unethical system that appears to have been deliberately rigged to unfairly favor publishers at the expense of writers. Although many publishers no longer ask for it, it is a disgraceful legacy that needs to be put out of its misery as soon as possible. Ignoring it in a massive way will do that. I do, however, think that, for now, writers should state clearly that they are making simultaneous queries.

Why such a massive, saturation bombing approach to querying? Well, life is short, and the more leads you put out, the greater the chance of a productive hit. I also needed it because I discovered that I was disadvantaged relative to many other authors. My novel, Coinage of Commitment, is a new kind of love story, one written of characters who love at a higher level than we see all around us. Plus it is fittingly written in a more emotionally vivid style than is currently fashionable. Sales figures tell me this works well for readers, but it did not appeal to agencies who, I quickly discovered, are very conservative, extremely risk averse, and looking only for something they are used to or which has sold well in the past. Many have political or ideological agendas that bias their decision making. I never did come that close to landing an agent. Publishers were more sympathetic, more interested in literature for its own sake, but it was still a tough row to hoe.

The high volume approach to querying was decisive in my case because without it I would not have found the three royalty publishers who offered me contracts. Only after I had exhausted the list of addresses in print sources like Writer’s Market, and those on subscription sites like Firstwriter.com, did I go to open sites like Predators & Editors. There I discovered a new class of royalty publisher not listed in the other sources. These are small outfits with low overheads, who use POD print technology (which is becoming widespread), and who do not accept returns. Otherwise their books are carried by the leading distributors. This is a group of publishers who have sprung up in the last five years. Many of these folks seem to be in it more for the love of books and literature than the profit motive. I found them much more willing to consider something new, like what I was offering, and this is where I hit gold with my own project.

There are other related issues: how to progress as a writer and improve your manuscript while also trying to sell it; how to deal with independent editors when you feel your manuscript is not good enough; and how to deal with the shadier side of our industry during a query campaign. But that is for a future article.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
R (Rob) Costelloe
Coinage of Commitment was published in June of 2007. In a departure from conventional novels of this genre, this love story describes characters who love at a higher level than the world all around them, a level requiring mental preparation as well as emotional commitment. The lovers face unique challenges in reaching the zenith they seek, and the story examines some of the challenges and pitfalls they face on their journey. The manuscript received multiple contract offers for publication, and Saga Books published it on a fast track basis in less than three months. To learn more, visit Rob’s website at rCostelloe.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A Man Writing Love Stories in a Woman’s Publishing World

My publishing journey has been unusual enough that friends and publicists alike have suggested I write about it, especially the part about being a man writing love stories in a woman’s genre. But it’s not just the genre. The whole publishing and agency world I encountered was dominated by women. Sound interesting enough? Okay. There’s just one little hitch. Now that I’m sitting in front of the keyboard, I find that there’s not much to tell that’s dramatic. Most of the women editors treated me fairly, and I worked well with the ones who gave me room to turn in.

If anything, being a man may have given me a certain advantage, you know, from a novelty standpoint. Not only was I a male engineer (of all things!), with no detectable writing credentials, daring to show up with a love story, but I was touting it as a love story unlike any other, one written of love at a higher level. Well, at least it made them look up from their keyboards. Even from clear across the Internet’s vast ether, I could feel their skeptical smiles.

I did have advantages related to temperament. Women have always been my epitome of beauty, and I have long admired the feminine spirit and disposition, the nobility of her biological calling, the sophistication of her romantic instinct. As a result, I have always worked well with women. Plus I am grateful. Everything I ever learned about romantic love at a higher level I learned from a woman.

The other advantage I had was acquired: I had studied love stories for decades and I knew the intricacies and jargon of the genre. At one point, an editor who was intrigued by my sample chapters started an e-mail conversation that escalated to a phone discussion. I knew this was curiosity bringing opportunity to my door. She was a Romance novelist as well as a Romance editor, so I was nervous as I dialed her office number. I could tell that she was surprised then delighted to meet a man who could discuss nuances of love story plot and characterization ranging from risk factors in portraying heroines as less than physically perfect, to pet theories for best lead up to denouement. I knew before the conversation was over that she would offer a contract. Not only did I address some reservations she had about my characters, but I had done so in the professional jargon she knew. As a result, she knew she could work with me for the editorial portion of the project.

With all this said, let me offer an opinion basis what I experienced. To the question about whether the bar is higher for a man writing in this genre, I would say yes, at least in a certain sense. If you are a man who writes mediocre romances, then I think it will be harder for you to get published than a mediocre woman writer. But if you are a man producing material that matches the top ten percent of the genre, then the reservations that woman editors naturally have about you won’t matter. You will get the consideration you deserve. Know the audience you are targeting. That counts for a lot. And be sure you can defend the theory you have chosen for how you spun your characters and how you wove your plot.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
R (Rob) Costelloe
Coinage of Commitment was published in June of 2007. In a departure from conventional novels of this genre, this love story describes characters who love at a higher level than the world all around them, a level requiring mental preparation as well as emotional commitment. The lovers face unique challenges in reaching the zenith they seek, and the story examines some of the challenges and pitfalls they face on their journey. The manuscript received multiple contract offers for publication, and Saga Books published it on a fast track basis in less than three months. To learn more, visit Rob’s website at rCostelloe.com
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Romantic Commitment Versus Separate Accounts

I happened to be walking through the den the other day and overheard a pundit on Fox News exhorting prospective newlyweds to be sure to set up separate checking and banking accounts for each of them. She seemed to be mentioning it as a kind of checklist item, probably part of an array of recommendations, many of them likely tax related, that she was reviewing for the benefit of people planning marriage. As a kind of afterthought, she said-as I got closer to the limit of my hearing range-that of course, in today’s hip electronic culture, with people more aware and better informed than ever before, separate accounts were an elementary safeguard for all parties concerned. As I walked out of range, I thought of another advantage to separate accounts. If you don’t see the mess that your spouse makes of her account (and vice versa), then you’re not as likely to get upset about it and argue over it.

But then it occurred to me later that this is one of those instances where the validity of your logic depends on the premises you set. Yeah, if your priority concern is to “protect” the individual members of a marriage, then separate accounts do provide that assurance. But how far should such “protections” extend? Most murders are products of domestic violence, but does that make it wise for me to keep a pistol in my desk to protect me from my wife? Also, it doesn’t take long for the realization to grab hold that the protection is from each other. Do I need to be protected from the woman I’ve vowed to love and cherish till death do us part? More importantly, what message does establishing such protection send to one’s spouse? “Okay, let me get this straight,” I can hear her say. “You say you love me, that there will never be anyone for you except me, and that we are one flesh, but with your actions you are saying that I can’t be trusted not to abscond with all our liquid assets.” Worse yet is that she may not be saying that out loud, but instead storing it in her heart as a corrosive doubt about the strength of our union.

So what is the right answer? I think that depends on what you want out of marriage, and how much you are willing to risk and invest in the romantic commitment that many of us want to be a lasting part of it. In Coinage of Commitment, the female protagonist tells the love of her life that she is assuming a posture of emotional vulnerability and dependence on him. She does this to raise his commitment to her emotional needs to a level he had not contemplated. As a result of how he responds…well, better not to give away the surprise ending.

The Value of Intimate Gestures and Habits

A while back on a family trip, my single adult daughter commented how distasteful it was that her mother and I shared the same toothbrush. This sort of thing had come up before, and her comment was more resigned–like a sigh–than spirited. I smiled at the comment, but said nothing. Later I recalled my emotional reaction: a determined feeling that I wouldn’t think of ending the practice.  But then it occurred to me that I didn’t understand the basis for my own feelings. I thought it over, and it took a while for my mind to figure out what my emotions already knew: viz. that the habit was a valuable intimacy that I shared with my wife. This one was of special value, since it was an intimate gesture often executed when my wife was not present, so that if I happened to remember the ritual, it would cause me to think of her, and lovingly, since she would occasionally be doing the same thing in the same sentimental way—something I later verified was still the case with her.

My daughter is a health care professional, and she understandably disdained the practice as an unnecessary health risk. What she didn’t understand was that the risk was tiny for people who already exchange sexual intimacy, and that the risk factor gave spice to an intimate habit of small but noticeable value to our marriage. One side comment worth inserting here is that in the event of serious communicable sickness, a situation where the risks are clearly defined and clearly high, we naturally suspend all physical contact for the sake of sparing the other.

But all these boundary conditions aside, it is fair game to ask about the value of such a gesture. Why is it worthwhile? Why is it even worth the bother? Well, ultimately it comes down to a certain type of nourishment that every romantic relationship needs if it is to stay vibrant over time. That is simply the power and necessity of expressing affection. Let’s be explicit here, because this is a fundamental that so many, many couples miss, and so many go seriously off track as a consequence. If you love your mate and you want your relationship to keep its poignance, then you need to tell her you love her. Yes, I know you’ve already told her a thousand times; yes, she surely already knows it, but that’s not the point. Telling her is very reinforcing and strengthens your relationship every time you do it. Think of it as daily maintenance for the emotion that drove you to make her your wife in the first place. Did I say daily? Yes, I did but not in the sense of telling her once a day. No, you need to tell her more frequently than that, probably more like six times a day, minimum. Try it, you’ll like it. You’ll especially like it if you’re truly interested in preserving the sharp edge to your intimacy. Really, it does wonders. But experiment. I mentioned six times a day, but it’s better to find the right frequency for your particular relationship. For my wife and I, it’s about twelve times a day, except that kisses are also included in the count, and that frequency is something that we have established over decades of trial and error.

So how does the toothbrush intimacy play in this discussion? Well, it is simply a special case way of expressing and exchanging affection, special because we don’t have to be together to have the mechanism operate and give each of us its benefit. And since it is such a unique way of receiving affection, it is not one I would ever want to give up.